Scripture Study Insights
1 I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days.
3 And I know that the record which I make is true; and I make it with mine own hand; and I make it according to my knowledge.
1 Nephi, 1:1,3 — Book of Mormon
As some might know, I have a blog website of sorts, that I’ll use for the reminder of my mission, and probably beyond as well.
Journaling and other records
Yesterday I was reading some of my journal post-entries and, oh boy, did I tear up? Yea, a lot!
Well, mostly because the feelings behind those messages are very relatable to me, and because it is posted in a public setting it just connects me even more.
The purpose that it was written for, is just that, to be read. Therefore, the intention of passing along a message is part of its existence. For having written it myself, I’m certain that they were my true feelings at that time, and I can’t deny it.
Eventually after reading, again and again, each of my posts I knew why I had written them, and that if nothing else, they served a purpose on being there, for me. I tend to forget and stray into my inner thoughts and feelings more than remembering my understanding of the gospel, faith and testimony, as if the connection was lost or has a lot of interference, and it’s not clear.
My thoughts
I was able to connect in part with Nephi’s words, that I’ve been through, or I’m currently dealing with my share of afflictions and tribulations. However, the Lord has been merciful and caring. Even more so in inspiring me to create this blog, it could’ve been just your regular old journal, but to me, it has more meaning this way. And above all, I know that this record of mine is true, my post-entries just as much as the Book of Mormon.
The memories and experiences that are passed along can be felt and testified of even through the passing of time and history. And besides, I see myself as being more capable of expressing my feelings in writing rather than words. My mind has always been a rush of thoughts, doubts, questions, lacking self-esteem and unable to come to a single conclusion. But by writing them down, I’m able to single out the truth I know and believe, and express how that truth still holds up above all the negative turmoil in my mind and heart. Becoming a testimony itself for me when I feel down.
There have been many blessings I’ve counted and received during my Service Mission. I can’t yet say that I don’t resent not being able to go on a proselytizing mission or that the service mission truly was the best for me, yet, I answered “YES”, to all questions below:
- Do you sustain the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the prophet, seer, and revelator and as the only person on the earth authorized to exercise all priesthood keys?
- Do you sustain the members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators?
Where lies my TRUST?
I accepted my mission call, it was signed by the prophet himself. Yet, sometimes I wonder, when looking at proselytizing missionaries, enjoying their moments, having fun and laughing, whether I was really given the right call, questioning what is joy? Because I can’t seem to find it. And I struggle day by day, having to do things by myself, praying, scripture studying, while doing my service as a missionary, while at home, when going through these struggles… I’m alone.
I have my parents around, but they aren’t my mission companions. Furthermore, I have service mission leaders, but they are limited in how to support me emotionally or spiritually. When feeling as if I’m becoming an emotional and financial burden to those around me, where otherwise, I’d be proselytizing and living somewhere else being sustained by the church through my mission. It’s hard to find a way to accept “you’re a missionary, you don’t have to worry about these things”, when it feels like I’m watching a collapsing world around me, and I’m supposed to “not worry”.
Where I had thought I’d be an emotional and spiritual support to my family while on a mission, it actually feels the complete opposite, and I see them struggling instead day by day. And we’re all here hanging by a thread. Having “sufficient for my needs” doesn’t bring the stability and worry-free daily life I thought it would.
My choice
But I still accepted the call it was given to me, trusting that it will be to my benefit, to my gain, that all of it serves a purpose. It’d be great if the results plainly showed in front of me after waiting for some time, like Sariah experienced. Or to have heavenly visitations to the answer of my prayers, like Nephi had.
But even Nephi had to first have his heart softened to believe all the words of his father. Perhaps my heart has yet not softened, or it’s yet too hardened to receive or see my current situation as nothing but blessings. Or all this is a humbling experience for me, a probation akin to Job of old. I might not compare at all to him, certainly not even close, but I’ll trust the Lord in his decisions. Because I trust that He loves me, and will be with me throughout. I just hope, that I can find my answer at the end, for hope is all I can rely on.
Kindly, Elder Santos.