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Well… I guess it’s safe to assume we’re straight up plagiarizing now, haha.
I wanted to write this down as soon as I got the prompt too, the timing though… it’s a bit concerning. But it’s okay, not breaking any actual rules, it’s for a good cause, so I’ll be excused… I hope. ANYWAY!….
I have been coming to the realization, perhaps even the minimal understanding, of the purpose and personal view of my true identity as a service missionary. How that applies to my daily life? How it influences and changes by inspiring and molding my thoughts?
The course in which my thoughts take place, their priority, place and how small divine arrangements are made around me; all of it helps me see the hand of the Lord in the world around me, and what is my place in it.
I can now see more clearly how he expects me to act as his tool in between all of it.
Not To Be…
As I adjusted to my missionary service, the time spent serving felt special… yet, discouragingly stale. It wasn’t the exciting, thrilling and life-changing experience I thought it would be. Of course, I grew spiritually in this last 6 months…
Can't believe I forgot to mention this… “HAPPY 6 MONTHS OF MISSIONARY SERVICE, ME!…” Wow, that just sounds sad hahaha, but it's been 6 months, but let's put a pin 📍 on it and talk about it later, okay?
So, 6 months, huh? A long and arduous time that surprisingly just blew past me as if I blinked and forgot to pay attention to the running clock; and SQUIRREL! Yeah… “Be distracted and time flies on you!”. I had spiritual experiences, but nothing that linked directly and answered the question; “Why am I here? What is my purpose? What difference does my presence do compared to your regular everyday volunteer?” These questions swirled and spiraled in my mind incessantly; it’s been stressful, tiring, discouraging, and not really spiritually improving myself in any way. I did receive much support from my leaders, regular and consistent effort into making sure I had all the necessary tools and resources to make it the best time of my life, a memorable and unique experience. But where was it?
My current situation didn’t seem to meet the description. So I assumed that my expectation bar had to have been placed too high up, or they were wrong from the start. So, I sought to be even more active, “work harder and longer, if the problem isn’t solved then the problem is you!” I can definitely see this as a famous Hollywood movie phrase someday. So I worked, harder and for longer periods. “Life is short, the mission even shorter, use the chance to do all that you can”, I thought, so I reached for it. But, nothing really changed. So the problem wasn’t in the quality or amount of my service, it had to be me in the wrong. Yikes, that was depressing…
To Be…
With all that, I pondered on my identity as missionary, how did it change me instead of the world around me. Perhaps I still had lingering resentments for not being called to a teaching mission; or even, not accepting, whereby I did make changes in the world around me. And that was the answer!
I have been told, ever since I began to be part of the young men, that I did great! That I had great potential, and was meant to be and, would become a great leader in the church someday; receiving praises and congratulations here and there in the church, so much so that it just didn’t feel real, or even that it was really me. I have struggled for years, and apparently I still struggle, with seeing myself in a better light. The pitch perfect me, and the imperfect; always the wrong one, or whom to blame for; the one that offended and made wrong choices, that tried to do good only to fail again and again; burning as bright as dried hay on flames, and burning out just as quickly. I couldn’t be further from that image of pitch perfection. Which prompted me towards even worse decisions in the past.
Nowadays, even the smallest imperfections such as, missing a time for prayer, scripture study, not feeling the spirit or not seeing joy in my service; just led me to believe I had been failing tremendously in achieving the purpose that the prophet and apostles had in assigning me to be a service missionary. So, the dried up hay burned again, but with a purpose, “we can crash and burn but at least burn for a reason!” and I did it. Worked harder, prayed more often, used my time more wisely, kept the scriptures and temple ordinances in my thoughts more often, thought harder and pondered longer into how I can represent Jesus Christ as a Service Missionary. And as if coming at the most divinely appointed time, Elder Oaks said:
“Behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant… Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;”
This entire time, I was expecting direction, do this, do that, like this and like that… But funny enough, He, up there, just outright told me NO! Hahaha, though, it helped me relieve the pressure, the constant expecting and looking for something, for a change, for an effect and fruits of my efforts… As obvious as it may be, I wasn’t about me at all! I had been so anxious with making sure that I wasn’t wasting anyone’s efforts into sustaining my missionary service, be it financially, physically, spiritually, emotionally, that I wanted to show whereby results were seen. Because, when I became dependent on other’s charitable heart, and effort, through sweat and pains, by exerting themselves more than they would have to, I saw myself as a burden. Therefore, I had to shed light over their sacrifices to see that there had been purpose, that all of it wasn’t wasted. Although this is indeed a commandable way to see it, and pay them all back for their support and care, I wasn’t at all remembering what truly had made all of this possible:
1 My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: 2 For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. 3 Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: 4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man.
5 ¶ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 7 ¶ Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the Lord, and depart from evil. 8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. 9 Honour the Lord with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: 10 So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. 11 ¶ My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: 12 For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. 13 ¶ Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. 14 For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.
Proverbs 3:1-14
I had forgotten the most important part, to trust in the Lord with all my heart. Thankfully, I had been able to see. Thankfully, I had received such tremendous support, emotional, spiritual, and financial, with much tender care. It came even from people who are not my family or in any way related to me aside from being members of the same church, and being connected through the desire to serve the Lord and His church above all. I experienced a unique and directly relatable love and Christlike charity, with the only purpose to give Him their all, that the “me” in the equation of it all, was just second place.
I saw, and felt, true trust and love toward God with all their heart. That all that had been provided to me, wasn’t primarily because of me, or that they expected a result from me. But rather, that they just offered their all, hoping to fulfill and to put the interest of God and his church in first place. Then? My eyes were open, my heart was willing, and my soul hungered to be like them, now, right this instant, to trust God with all my heart; and let Him, perform his work thorough me. He won’t tell me in all things what I should do, how, or when. He won’t inform me or necessarily let me know all, if any, of the results of my missionary service.
Trust In The Lord
Recently, while drowning in my sense of loss and purpose, not knowing what the Lord expected of me, or why he called me to this service, I pondered. I laid down on the floor by the building’s front door where I live. With 6 months completed, which appeared to be of no knowledge or concern to anyone, as a service missionary, I could choose to end my service at any given time, even today. Pondering, my thoughts wandered regarding my missionary service, what it had been, what it was, and what it would be to me in the future. I stared blankly at the night sky; while listening to some music, I looked upon a single dimly lit star, as if hoping it could explain how it could still shine amid such darkness that encompassed her round about. So lonely, so distant. The world around me, as if to mock her, the lights shone brighter, the environment got noisier, the only thing I could do, was relating to that star’s lonely struggle to keep on shining.
Breaking these moments, someone called out to me, once… twice… and in the third time I finally realized and reacted. Someone had got off the bus stop in front of the apartment building, called out to me, and when I reacted, he asked me if I could do him a favor. I partially agreed because it was just a good practice to help someone, and in part, because well, as a service missionary, I’d be totally thrown into a gulf of despair if I said “no” and rejected him. He carried a really heavy bag which he asked me to carry for him, he had a prosthetic leg, the reason behind his request. He couldn’t manage to balance himself with or without holding unto the bag. Slowly and laboriously he walked forward as I accompanied him towards his house, which was right next door. He thanked several times, introduced himself, Bill was his name, and I responded likewise, as Yuri Santos; I didn’t have my badge on me, so saying Elder Santos and having to go through all the explanations: the church, the service, the missing badge, felt too much, so I kept it simple.
Then, as I walked back to my lonely, depressive and self-deprecating theater-like drama, I thought: What would have been the outcome, had I not chosen to be out there struggling to find my life’s and mission’s purpose? Would have him, Bill, been able to walk back home? Or would someone else have helped him? Somewhere in scripture says that even the birds are counted before the Lord, and not one falls without his knowledge, all receive his love and care. And I thought about Bill, how ironically and coincidentally, I was there, and if, all of this had been intended and guided by the Lord for me to help Bill.
As if a dam had been cracked open, my understanding of my Saviors’ love, and my acknowledging of his presence in my life, of being a tool in his hands torrentially poured into my heart and mind. He allowed me to see that brief moment through His eyes, as he worked towards caring for his beloved children. I was able to acknowledge that in my 6 months of struggle, He had been with me this whole time. As a member, that’s common ground knowledge, He IS everywhere all the time. But I was able to see, after so long, after so much effort, sweat, tears, self disappointment, discouragement, tiredness and lack of purpose, while I moved through what felt a dense swamp in which a sank further in with time, He saved me. In such a simple, every day common service, He allowed me to see, that He has been using me as his tool this entire time; in my seemingly stale and repetitive service labors, through the indirect and back-stage volunteer service, he had been nurturing and accomplishing his work through me this whole time. None of it was of no use, nothing had been without a meaning and a purpose, and all of it, even all of it, had been done, through my own choice to do what I did, my consecrated service to Him had been used to the accomplishment of His own purposes and works.
My Testimony
I bear my testimony, that I know that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only church in this world, truly established by His hand, power and means. I know that he loves all of His children in the world, that His love is boundless and ever-reaching, even into the farthest corners of the Earth. There is no crevice or place of hiding where God can’t be found, and no person in this world that He won’t bring to pass His utmost efforts to reach them, through any possible means, and when we need Him, and call for Him, He will be there. His loving kindness is always at anyone’s reach to those that seek Him and follow Him. His church, the commandments he has given, the scriptures he has revealed, the prophets and apostles and all leadership in this church as it is organized, has been revealed, and established according to His words, through his chosen prophets. I don’t understand all that has been revealed and happened in the past, and doubt I’ll comprehend all that will yet come to pass. But I know, even the most controversial and seemingly inexplicable parts in the History of this church have a meaning, a purpose, and they will bring to pass much righteousness and light into the world.
I know all these things because of my own desire to seeking to know the truth through my own efforts and not through the words and teaching of others. I doubted, questioned, misunderstood and have come to understand the mysteries of God and his gospel through my own tiresome and burdensome and laborious seeking of the truth through my own study of the scriptures, all meanwhile asking in prayer for uncountable times, what is the truth? Where is it? How can I achieve it? Lord, will you show it unto me, touch my heart into believing, or turn me away from it? If still haven’t I received an answer, Lord, where lack I yet? And he answered me, he has softened my heart into tolerance, and patience, into trusting even unnoticeably, that I’d find my answer eventually, so that I would keep on trying. And He has NOT failed me.
Praise the Lord for his mercy unto the world, that has rejected him, praise the Lord for his justice for returning the wicked with rejection and with welcoming arms unto the faithful. I lack much, I struggle much, a stumble and sometimes offend the ultimate sacrifice my Savior has done for me. But, how grateful I am, for knowing that if I keep striving, and follow Him to the best I can, to know that where I lack he will compensate, and justice and mercy will be made, such loving mercy, that will allow me to be once again in his presence. Such a blessed and marvelous day it would be, where such as today, my eyes will be opened to see how mercifully he has been with me, how masterfully he has worked through me and my agency to choose to follow Him. Oh! How wonderful shall be, the day that I shall be with my Lord and Savior, my heavenly brother, and my divine Father, my eternal family for all eternity, where peace and joy shall be forever more never to be blinded and obscured by the World.
I fear not being adequate, of being incapable to meet His expectations, perhaps not doing enough, but I’ll trust him, as I’ve done until now, through pain and tears, for I know his mercy shall lift my weary heart into joy once more. Praise be unto God Almighty, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for his works are too marvelous for men to see, and his plans too grand to be understood, yet all, it’s for the purpose of bringing us, His children in Christ unto his presence once more; to give unto us all that he has, for such is his Love unto mankind. Come unto Him.
I know that my Savior lives, that he loves me, that he cares for me, that he knows who I am, where I am, and that He is with me through it all. I know that the Book of Mormon is true, because through my personal, diligent and continuous study of it; by striving to follow its teachings of Christlike behavior and works, it brought me to a greater understanding of who Christ is and what his sacrifice for me ultimately means. And I know it in my soul, where no one can interfere or reach save it be my Father in heaven, my Savior and the Holy Spirit. And I bear my testimony of these things, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Elder Santos
6 Months, 2 days of missionary service.