I felt regret for serving a service mission today. And it was for a vastly different reason than I felt before I was assigned a date to start my service.
At the church, there’s an unspoken underline glorification of being a teaching missionary. We are raised singing songs about how we’ll grow up and become a missionary; teaching missionaries, and bringing the world the truth of the gospel. It’s an honorable service, as the army’s of Helaman, leaving the home as faithful kids and coming back as honorable grown-up men. We hope to serve, and have life-changing experiences that will be taken with us for life, we hope to teach the gospel and change the lives of others through the gospel we love and decided to do this service, to begin with. Change other people’s lives, see their change, and their growth, baptize them, and find uncontainable joy in that experience. Even if there had been no baptisms, a single one, being able to dedicate every single second from the day I wake up to the moment I fall asleep, consecrating them to the Lord, in prayer, fasting, scripture study, growing in faith and testimony every single day without a single distraction from friends, family, internet, TV, family drama, fights, discussion…. we detach ourselves to represent Christ in every word, deed, and appearance. We strive so that the love of Christ can reflect through our very sight of us.
But I wasn’t called to receive that wonderful image of a missionary. This week, Monday I woke up and did nothing, Tuesday I woke up, put my badge on, went to the temple, and started my training as an ordinance worker, it was a good experience, I got home, and took my badge off. Wednesday and Thursday I put some effort into reading the scriptures and updating my journal. Friday I put my badge on and repeated my training from Tuesday. Saturday I tried to read the scriptures, and Sunday I put my badge on and came here to talk about service missionary service.
Once I get home, I’ll take my badge off, my siblings and parents will watch a movie on Netflix or such, someone will be playing video games, others will sleep, and there might have some family drama going around. I have no companion to talk with, to make plans and goals with, to study with, to support me, and understand the struggles I’m dealing with. To encourage me daily or to pick me up and be faithful in striving to do what I should be doing when I feel weak and disheartened. Then my week repeats and today is the last day of my service, I did what was asked of me, I served where I was asked and assigned to, and had some good experiences. And today I put my badge down, my mission was good. Thank you…
This… is my biggest fear in my service mission, I already have to struggle with the depressing thought that I was not called for a proselyting mission, much less given the choice to choose. I have been through deep excruciating depression that made me question what value if any at all, my life had because of my unfaithfulness and crushing struggle to desire to do what is right and fail again and again. But I got over those things because I wanted to serve a mission, I made goals, I keep struggling, kept trying, overcoming my sense of uselessness, depreciation, and worthlessness. When I felt like giving up on hope, and my dream of serving a mission, that the weight and responsibility weighted much more than I could endure, I endured it, it was hard, one of the hardest things I ever had to overcome in my life, I felt like I had to destroy every single image I had of myself and reconstruct it again, and again, and again, and again… all in the hopes of serving a mission. When all was set, all meetings and preparation were done, and all was needed was to submit the forms, it took me 3 months… just to be able to feel like the title: “A Representative of Christ” wouldn’t be something I would bring shame to, and that I wouldn’t just dig my pit of despair for feeling incapable to take the job and be unable to finish my 2 years proselyting mission. The day I submitted my recommendation forms for to serve a mission, was the most joyful day of my life. I felt like all my efforts were finally given fruit, and that my heavenly father was rewarding me. That he accepted my faith, worthiness, and capability to serve, that my pain and suffering from overcoming myself was not in vain… I was finally ready, worthy, and accepted to serve a mission, and have the same experience my two parents had in their teaching missions, that my two youngest siblings, younger by 4 years apart had in their teaching missions. I was finally allowed to experience the same as well… but… They called me for a service mission. Did my depression disqualify me for a teaching mission? Was it my past where I felt like I had no meaning in life and had suicidal thoughts that disqualified me? Was it my history with anxiety during my depression because I felt like nothing I did was right and felt incapable of being faithful to the gospel that disqualified me? Did I get rejected for a teaching mission? Was my effort not enough? Was I lacking faith?… Do I even still want to be a missionary that isn’t a teaching missionary?
All these things are what I had to overcome, even after being called as a service missionary. Despite all my efforts for a year and a half, I had 1 week to decide whether I’d accept my call or not. I did accept it, and I’m still struggling with those thoughts even now, even today, and I met missionaries who still struggle with similar thoughts after over a year of service, others that struggle with acceptance of their service being sufficient after their finish their service. And me, who struggle to feel like I’m even doing enough to be worthy of the badge that I put down even now.
And that is only my personal experience and daily struggle with myself, in my mind, in my thoughts, by myself.
I want to represent Christ, I want to feel his loving-kindness for me every second of my day, I don’t want to just do my service, shake hands and end the day, I want to feel my Lord and Savior’s love for each person I meet, for every action I do, for every flower, I plant at the temple’s garden, on every step I take towards my service assignment, I want to connect with the needs of my brother and sister in need and be able to bring them my savior’s grace to him and her, simply by being next to them, hugging them, or even for letting them touch my robes and be able to say, “Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me”. I am being given the chance to represent Christ, He called me to be his feet and hands, and I’m given this chance to represent him at my own home, to my very own family, to bring them every second of my day my saviors loving-kindness to them, to have them be ever closer to my savior, daily, closer they had ever been. To have the grace of Christ present in my family for 2 whole years. To make my house a temple, where the spirit of the Lord can habit, to make my home a blessed home for housing the Lord’s servant, to have my house blessed for feeding the Lord’s servant, to have my family be blessed and graced with love, and rewards from heaven for sustaining his called servant. Being able to establish upon my home the words of Isaiah, “How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that publish peace and tidings of great joy”.
That’s the attitude I had when I accepted my mission these hopes, goals, and desires are what made me wholeheartedly accept my mission call without any bitterness. And this is the desire and hope of many if not all service missionaries that compel them to daily, that comforts them daily, that justifies and validates their service daily, day after day. When we feel weak, disheartened, and worthless, when we suffer from personal, social, or any other form of anxiety, this is what moves us forward. So my message is to all families, siblings, parents, and relatives of service missionaries that live with you, currently or in the future. WE ARE SERVICE MISSIONARIES, WE ARE THE LORD’S MISSIONARIES, AND WE ARE THIS CHURCH’S MISSIONARIES. PLEASE!!! Help us in our service, we don’t have companions as teaching missionaries do, so PLEASE! Be our companions, don’t judge us when we feel weak, and we fail to consecrate our time to the savior, and you find us watching a movie, playing games, or not being able to put a certain amount of hours of service in that week, don’t tell us that you didn’t see us doing anything that week. But join us, help us, join us in prayer, in fasting, in the study of the scriptures, if possible join us in service, you are your service missionary companions, you are each of us, our half piece, to pick us up when we fall, to bring the spirit to our homes when we can’t feel it, to make the houses where we live, an extension of the mission home, that isn’t distracting, that isn’t filled with drama, an environment where your missionary can feel at peace and inspired in his work and calling, even when he puts his badge down after his assigned service. YOUR HOMES ARE HOUSING A SERVANT OF YOUR SAVIOR. You are being given the opportunity AND RESPONSIBILITY to grow spiritually together with your missionary. Don’t leave him alone all the time, engage and be interested in his service, and plan a conversation where the missionary can look forward to sharing his experiences, YOU HAVE THE CHANCE to listen to your area assigned missionaries every single day, to learn and influence your missionaries every single day in their growth, in their testimony, in their faith. Help them excitedly look forward to the next day of service just to be able to share their experience with you. Teaching missionaries to talk to their family only once a week, your ward only gets the chance to listen to the missionaries through email once a week or whenever they have the time to send one. Your missionary has plenty of time to serve your members individually instead of teaching them, fellowshipping being your company in any family activity you invite them to. If you want to feed them invite them to it. If you’d like to have a family home evening with a service missionary in your ward please do so. Where not here to teach but nothing impedes us from enjoying a spiritual activity of mutual learning and sharing the gospel in what we learned, believe in, and have a testimony of. Teaching missionaries only have so much time to be with families, to accompany them, strengthen them, and support them. If your service missionary is available have them help a neighbor in their garden or organize their backyard. Bring us to help a friend of yours with setting up a computer, with reading the scriptures with you and your children, bring us in primary, in youth activities, if there’s camping, bring us to be assistants with food, with cleaning, with being leaders of youth along with other adults. You have a missionary at your disposal every single day. And we want to bring those blessings and we want to be blessed with these opportunities. Service mission will not be limited to food pantries, shelters, and temple service in the future, so make use of these opportunities today. You need to visit a member in ministering, or there’s an inactive family that you plan to visit this week that the teaching missionaries didn’t have the time in their schedule to come with you, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU. Take as much of our time as possible so that we can serve you and the lord as much as we can, and have the ability to, so that we are not left at home for months or 2 years until the end of our service with hundreds or thousands of hours missed in TV, Internet, social media, phone, etc, because otherwise there’s only so much commitment and desire one person can dedicate by himself before losing motivation.
That’s my message. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.