I guess recently I’ve had a really marking experience for me, related to my mother. It’s been only 3 weeks, since April 14, 2022, that I’ve been set apart and started as a Service Missionary.
As a service missionary, we’re set apart, and we are full-time missionaries 24/7. Just like teaching missionaries are, and are given a different purpose and responsibilities taht differ from teaching missionaries. We live at home and offer service at the temple, other church functions, at charitable organizations and within the community. We don’t proselytize, most service missionaries are selected for this mission due to physical, emotional or mental health complications. We live at home, where are at the care of our family, serving while “surrounded by those we love”. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. But no family is perfect, living at home as a missionary isn’t easy. It takes tremendous effort to simply keep our own image of [missionaries] active throughout the day to ourselves, we have been given a lot of trust in our use of our freedom, to use electronic devices, unrestricted internet access, virtually no restriction to the content we see, read and games we play, and doing what we want and go where we want with whoever we want without a strict protocol and a companion to help watch ourselves with VERY FEW VERY STRICT exceptions that could be counted in one hand.
In short, we are given freedom, but a responsibility to always responsibly use that freedom. Representing Christ as His Church at all times, even when alone, in everything that we do. Representing Him in all things and activities we get involved in, and the people we interact with.
— The Purpose
Our Missionary purpose: “We will minister in His name to the one, just as He did, expressing His loving kindness.”
But after 3 wonderful weeks since I’ve begun my service, I had an awful day recently.
I live at home, I share a room with other 2 siblings. Newsflash, being a missionary living at home doesn’t make family life my missionary companions; or living in rainbows, sprinkles, with smiles and hugs 24/7. No. It’s definitely not that pretty and pitch perfect life. So, we argue, we stress, it’s just your very everyday family. That day, yesterday, I was just having an off day, awfully bad; everything irritated me, I don’t have a stable fixed schedule because my family doesn’t have a stable fixed schedule; the time I eat and sleep changes daily; I can’t study the scriptures regularly, on a set schedule as teaching missionaries do, and many other stresses and things I can’t control, and then…
— I argued with my mother…
That seriously put me in the most horrible and negative mood, it wasn’t a horrible arguing, but in my heart I was angry, very much so, with all the other things that had been bothering me just piled up and that was the last straw, the last drop in a full cup. That feeling that had been piling up that day just completely cut me off from the wonderful missionary feeling I’ve had the past few weeks… that anger was just there, I understood it was wrong, as a missionary, even more so as a service missionary, we are supposed to always be expressing and serving others with loving kindness as the Savior would. Remembering the counsel in my patriarchal blessing, to always ask myself, “Would the Lord do this”, and if not to abandon it. I wanted to let go of this feeling, but I just didn’t find a way to. I slept, I participated in the institute and mission meetings, shared and contributed to Zoom meetings with my honest feelings, but still didn’t solve the bitterness tangled in my heart. I didn’t lash this anger at her, I knew I absolutely shouldn’t, so I didn’t, she went about her day… And I struggled with my inner turmoil.
So, I struggled and started feeling horrible anxiety and depressive feelings, “how can I continue my missionary service like this”, “will I be able to last?” “It’s only been 3 weeks”, “I’m angry… at my mother… as a missionary…” I was at a terrible vexation in my mind and heart, spiraling into awful darkness. I knew it wasn’t necessarily their fault I was angry and irritable, but I knew I shouldn’t blame them and justify my irritation and anger, so I prayed and asked our Father in Heaven, “thou knowest the feelings in my heart better than I do, I trust thee and I need help reliving this feeling” I said this sort of prayer, still feeling furious and irritable towards my family and my mother, but I knew not any other way to resolve it.
The day goes by, and another service missionary, very late in the day, 9pm or almost 10pm, says he felt impressed to share in our text group a talk from 1999 of Russel M Nelson, “Our Sacred Duty to Honor Woman” (Links to an external site.) , that he was using as material for a talk he was going to give at a church meeting.
After reading and listening to that talk, instantly, even though I haven’t argued back or offended her directly, even though she didn’t take offense for me closing myself off from her and turning my face away, I felt incredible and tremendous shame for offending her regardless, those feelings of anger in my heart towards her, never have made me more regretful for offending her. Instantly, those negative feelings turned into a sense of shame for desecrating the holiness I should guard the image of my Mother and my love for her. At that moment, I felt the Savior’s love for my Mother, I forgave her for adding to my anger and irritation, but above all, I felt an intense and unique duty, a responsibility I couldn’t simply not act on, in going to ask her for forgiveness and to say that I loved her.
— Not Quite?
I guess it’s not everyday you get a look into everyday missionary work besides the wonders and spiritual experiences and learning progress… I guess teaching missionaries don’t get the chance to share much as service missionaries do either. It’s not always rainbows and sprinkles, it’s not always pretty and eventful. But I’ve learned more about my Savior, I reached a higher grade of love for my parents, especially my mother, I’ve learned more of my Saviors love for His children, my testimony strengthened for knowing that HE DOES individually answer prayers, HE LISTENS to it, HE KNOWS my personal struggles, suffering, doubts, and feelings of distress better than I do, HE SHOWED ME, that he DOES care, and HE WILL help me individually to better come closer to him and follow His example, and my greatest feeling of thankfulness is that, for being a Missionary, sometimes, often even, it’s sad that I wasn’t called as a Teaching Missionary to proselytize and preach the gospel… but for being a missionary regardless, for my duty to be like Him, and His representative, he allowed me to genuinely feel His love towards me and my family, and that this love is equally given to all His children that I’m tasked to serve as a service missionary. My calling became much more important and my heart accepted it even more fully thanks to this experience. And it helped me understand even better the words:
“And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of your God.” (Mosiah 2:17)
“Master, which is the great commandment in the law?; 37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. 38 This is the first and great commandment. 39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.” (Matthew 22:36-39)
We’re not always going to have wonderful and eventful situations where we can have spiritual experiences, most of the time will be like this, through ugly tough and hard moments, and learn to put our trust in him at all times, believing the answer will come, steel our convictions to pray and hope for help, for guidance, for answers, even missionary daily life isn’t any different, in my case recently it had been family, in teaching missionaries situation, it could be the companion or a stressful meeting with another person. Sometimes, faith will lack, testimony will lack, willpower will lack, hope will lack, and even taking a step forward might seem impossible, might be a feeling of complete darkness ahead and not knowing where to go, what to do, and how to get out of a feeling, a situation, or to forgive and move forward. But if we love our God with all our hearts, mind and strength, we have the wonderful follow-up, that loving and coming to know more of our God we learn who we are, what we are meant to be, to become, what to do, and we come to love ourselves, then we can love others as we love ourselves because we can fully love our God, it’s a wonderful cycle, and he promises always to keep His end of the deal.