I understand you!
In a fight, two individuals take turns attacking, depending on their ability to defend and counter-attack their opponent. You don’t always know how they will attack, how fast or slow, or if it’s just a feint and the real attack was coming from above.
The unpredictability of an opponent in a fight is in itself a really difficult part of the process. Someone must’ve said that. If in the world, every person could read each other’s minds, the world would always be hanging, not in between but at the two extremes of either world peace or world war.
When Adam and Eve were at the Garden of Eden, there was not a single fault or mistake to be noted of. Everything had its purpose and it fulfilled it. The man and the woman created by God, Adam and Eve, were also good, and there was nothing bad in them to be seen. But they were given a purpose too, which they could not fulfill, essentially, because either they lacked the knowledge to accomplish it, or they were innocent to the understanding of sexuality and their need for it, perhaps even both.
But despite all their good, they were still lacking, which they required an answer to how to accomplish their purpose, therefore, beguiled by the serpent, who was providing a way to gain knowledge, they chose to trust God and accomplish their purpose despite the consequences. And so, now they knew good and evil, of cleanliness and purity contrasting sin and impurity. They now were susceptible to sin, they would lean towards it, as their son, Cain, committed another sin, the one of killing. Therefore, when the consequences of disobedience and sin came, we’d feel regret after understanding the evil behind it. After which, a desire to rid ourselves and clean the stain which the evil committed has brought to our conscience, repentance is necessary.
Fast-forwarding now, today, we have gained much knowledge through prophets old and new, about sin, their consequences, and, as well, a way by which to redeem our consciousness of the pain and regret of our mistakes. But I want to tell you a story:
A child was born, he is innocent and would do things that he had yet to understand it was wrong.
Just as to learn to walk you’d fall countless times in the process, the child had impulses to desire to have something that wasn’t his, so, he’d take it. That was stealing, he learned, then sometime later he stole again and again. The first time rationalizing the action, “if I’m not seen stealing, then mom’s not going to be mad“. Second, “maybe if nobody realizes, then doesn’t make a difference“, and then third and fourth, and so on. He stole countless times, at one point he got stolen from and realized that he didn’t like things being stolen from him, then he steals for the 10th, 11th time, and so on. Then, at one point, he understood that important things cause suffering and sadness to others when they disappear. So, again and again, he steals. A little here, a little there, much here and so much over there. At one point, he now really understands why stealing is bad, so he stops.
…
But, in more harmless situations, such as: I’m taking what is fair to me, sometimes it’s compensation for money or extra rest for working more than others. Possibly taking the bigger slice of cake than the others for himself since he made the cake or because he arrived first or took the slice first; perhaps (breath) and so he goes, learning, walking and falling, regretting and asking to be forgiven. But now, he has an impulse to steal.
Kleptomania (klep-toe-MAY-nee-uh) is the recurrent inability to resist urges to steal items that you generally don’t really need and that usually have little value. Kleptomania is a rare but serious mental health disorder that can cause much emotional pain to you and your loved ones if not treated.
He lives his life, making many mistakes, learning from them, majorly treating them and getting rid of them, correcting them, and striving to become better. But some of these mistakes become a habit, eventually, an addiction, having an inability to resist something he knows in his head he doesn’t need, that he shouldn’t do, that it’s wrong, that it’s a sin; to which he for sure knows he will regret and condemn himself for it. It really doesn’t only apply to this one specific very hypothetical imaginary person or unique situation. Some have differing urges and impulses, things that take hold and own the decision factor powers over ourselves and we can’t control it.
Living constantly in this situation, good, bad, pure, impure, being obedient to the commandments or committing sin; from which some of them everybody knows, this one only some people know if it, an others’ nobody has even known of it or been told of that he has done it. Is he good, or inherently bad, was he born bad, or transformed into bad from the good, can he transform back into being only good? Personality issues, they cause harm to others, am I always going to make other people sad?
To be in this constant apprehension from the consequences? Maybe he should leave the people he cares about, so he can’t harm them anymore, he leaves the house and stays on the streets for a few days; he realizes he can’t possibly survive alone in the world, while outside he also understands that people will take advantage of his naïveté in means he never thought it would happen to him. He goes back home after a few days.
Is he good? Is he bad? Is he good for trying to do good, and is he bad for failing to do good, even when he wants to be good so bad? Becoming a bad person for not doing good, has he even been good ever? Is he just faking it? Is it sincere? Is there a point in doing that good and right thing? Oh? The reason to do good in truth makes sense, but is there any benefit?
[sighs]… Are you already tired??
He gave up on trying to be good, so he leaves the church, which only aggravates his hate and suffering and self-inflicting pain and sadness for realizing what was done was bad. His parents are even sadder for him giving up on the church and his beliefs, that they want to make a decision that will make him feel even worse for being the cause of it. Seeing this, he then decides to go back to church to fix that problem, and serve as a missionary. Receive calls and make his parents proud.
But things don’t magically work like that, his impulses and cravings and urges aren’t easy to control anymore, and it becomes a more constant and present reality that maybe he is beyond saving; maybe there isn’t enough grace to save and forgive him, if there is, he can’t believe in it. He is disgusted with himself, he hates himself and becomes incapable of being able to love himself. Every day becomes a fight and a fright against living and trying not to give up on living. Many others have given up on him already, there were times even on the first try that he failed they gave up on him, while other times a second chance had been given; sometimes even many second, third, fourth chances, and so on, and he failed and the people around him gave up in trying. Is pain not enough, perhaps adding more to it would help… no it just made it worse. He starts thinking he is crazy and perhaps life is but an illusion, and should cut off all this nonsense of trying too hard for no reason and stop worrying about how other people felt.
Life, living every day, just feels so pointless at this point to him. Why, and what do I live for, nothing important… does he have any worth, possibly not, at least he can’t see any aside from satisfying himself by doing things which later just cause more pain. He gives up on himself and that feels just so sad… he’s… just so tired… and sad.
But after a while he finds his purpose, he believes in that purpose, and it will be life-changing, and it will bring happiness that he has never ever thought possible to him; he finally is just literally one… just a measly one step away… from finally being able to become a missionary.
But in his process of changing himself, he commits a mistake, “it’s okay” he hears, “it’s part of transforming yourself”, although, he starts to slump into negative thinking again; can I really become a missionary? Will I even be able to live with the shame if I fail my mission half-way through? Am I really capable of transforming other people’s lives when I can’t even start with my own?
While in those struggles, isolating myself more and more, the bishop asked me to accompany him on a visit to a member, but I was so close to ditching him and letting him take the round trip alone. I planned on perhaps going to stuff myself in food to cope with all the thoughts raging in my head and only. Think. Of. The. Food. For just… one moment…, I didn’t think I had anything to bring to that meeting anyway, and my testimony was already as weak as it could become; but I wanted to be seen as not giving up, as someone who is still fighting strong, even if just on the surface. And yeah, I was right, I probably didn’t contribute anything for that meeting, maybe not even answering the whole question and fulfilling the “raison d’être” that we went there for. Only, what I received from that sister, from someone who struggles similarly as I do, although not something new that I have never heard; but thanks to that member, I was able to believe in it myself just a little, and that gave me an ignited hope that I’ll make sure that doesn’t go to waste.
She told me: “There will be people, that only you will be able to understand, and only you will be able to teach and will be able to empathize with and change their lives so that they can finally find happiness. And you have a message that has been given to you, and they will only be able to receive it because of you. So, please, I’m asking you, would you please serve a mission… for me?”
In my case, my biggest hurdle and stone of stumbling stemmed from within, germinating from my own insecurities and self-judgment. But my biggest fear was to open up, and be not received well, that people would know my ugliness and change how they treated me, that their concern and kindness would vanish; and I couldn’t be accepted anywhere because of my shortcomings that I was inflicted with. I haven’t seen it myself here in the ward, but in other places that I’ve been in, I’ve seen and heard others say things behind the back of someone else while treating them differently while close-by. I didn’t want that, I terrifyingly feared it, and I isolated myself even more, that had the bishop not hunted me down and didn’t give up on catching me; I’d probably still struggle to find hope and live on constant regret and sadness.
To those that struggle to believe in themselves, I want to testify, that God lives, He loves you, he sees you, not just your surface but all of you! I know it’s difficult, I’ve been in pain, and I’m sure you’re suffering so bad that you just want to become nothing, to see nothing, think of nothing and do nothing. Sometimes life becomes meaningless to you, waking up is hard, leaving the house is harder, in school you suffer, at work you suffer, at home you suffer; you are in pain, and you can’t find a way to relieve it, sometimes you end up hurting yourself even more… even deeper and no one seems to know or care to understand it. You’re judged as lazy, as not trying enough, and not being good enough and compared to others.
Happiness and achievement feel like it was taken away from you forcefully, and you feel as if there’s nothing you can possibly do to get them back. And I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to be in pain, because I know it’s hard, I know your struggles cut you deep; so deep you want to cry out and ask for help, that perhaps you feel hideous and outside any possible way to change who you see yourself like. But you are loved, God loves you, and you deserve to find happiness, to feel happy, to receive kindness. It’s alright to feel weak and that you want to give up on everything. But God has a plan for you, and He needs you, He wants you to help Him do his work, and only you can do what you will do and the time you will need to do it. If you can’t forgive yourself, and if you are in pain and suffer for something that you did, that’s right, that’s what things should be, BUT, an unconditional love, and perfect kindness, can be reached by anyone anywhere at any time, and you deserve it, and God is waiting to reach you; at the door, next to you, seeing your pain, feeling your sadness, feeling in his skin you’re suffering, and he cries to you, he pleads, and begs of you, please, don’t give up, please try one more time, please let my hand reach you so that I can heal you so that I can forgive you. Him, the Lord Jesus Christ, the perfect being, that never deserved any pain, never deserved any sadness or any suffering:
“They scourged him, and he suffered it, and they smote and beat on him, and he suffered it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffered it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men.”
He suffered for you, to understand your pain so that he can reach you in to your deepest darkness and harshest of your pains and bring light and peace to you, I believe, and I can feel His love for me so much that I want to scream to the four corners of the earth, I am loved, I am cared for, I’m remembered, I’m healed, and I’m not alone, because Christ has healed me, and will heal me EVERY. TIME. When it becomes too hard, he will share my pain, so that I don’t feel it all myself, he will share my burdens, so that I don’t give up, we will take my hand so that I can take it, it’s just. One. More. Step, so that I can try just. One. More. Time. And He, Jesus Christ, will do it, again and again, if I always remember to do my best, to always remember him, so that I don’t forget how much he loves me. And I tell all of you, He will do this for you too, today, right now, again and again, until it gets into that hard stubborn head of yours.
And for the rest of the people to whom all that perhaps does not really apply and aren’t suffering torrential existential crisis all the time, people make mistakes, they are not perfect, sometimes being blinder about their imperfections than others, sometimes hurting you in ways that you can’t forgive, and struggling problems that maybe you can’t accept for a member or nonmember of the church. But they struggle, they are in pain, or they still lack knowledge and that knowledge might still not make any sense to them yet, please, just love them, just love us. Accept us among you, and let us try to show you that we’re imperfect, but we’re trying, sometimes trying so hard not to let you see our efforts because we don’t want you to feel even more disappointment when we fail again. Please, love us, be patient with us, hug us, and encourage us. Being alone is hard, feeling alone is even worse.
I know that no one is inherently bad, if anything, in fact, we’re all inherently good. Made in the image and likeness of God himself, we all came to earth, we were all born with one purpose and one purpose only, to come unto Christ and be like him, towards yourself and those around you. I testify that Christ lives, that he loves his people, that we are his people, and that happiness and salvation can be found for you, for your family, and loved ones, the ones that have passed away, and those that are still hard-headed into not believing in it. I haven’t been told, but I feel deep in my heart, and this feeling perhaps doesn’t burn, but it shines so brightly in my mind and heart, that I feel as if I’m being told, this Church is true, This gospel is true, The Book of Mormon is true, and many things in this religion that I still don’t understand are also true, and I’ll study it, and try my best to understand it, so that when I so, this feeling can shine brighter, and purer, where I can’t possibly deny it, so I can say with confidence, not that I just feel it that it is true, but that I feel it so strongly that I could only possibly know that it’s true. I haven’t seen it, and I haven’t heard a pristine and clear heavenly voice telling me that it’s all true. But I have faith in what I believe and believe that deep down, somewhere I haven’t yet found, there’s a proof that all of it is true, and I’ll look hard again and again until it’s so bright and clear that it can’t possibly hide from me anymore.
That’s my testimony in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Lovingly; Elder Santos, Service Missionary.